The Wicked Uncle

A remark made by my regular correspondent, James, made me realise one of life’s great truths namely that every girl should have a wicked uncle. Not wicked as in plotting to murder her for her money, but wicked as in being someone who indulges in life’s naughtier pleasures to the full and is more than happy to offer instruction to a young female just setting out in life.

A wicked uncle should be fun to be with and of course a good raconteur, ever ready to tell stories from his life that leave you gasping with horror yet, despite yourself, wanting to hear a lot more.






A wicked uncle has no time whatsoever for political correctness and takes smoking Havana cigars and drinking brandy as his absolute right.






Equally he drives a powerful and sporty car, but salves his social conscience by always being ready to offer a lift to any damsel in distress he happens to come across, and if she’s not actually in distress he’s always ready to ensure that’s how she finds herself before too long!




He’s always keen to help you with your education and for example likes to take you to obscure foreign language films, but as he growls in his seat next to you as they unfold on the screen, you do wonder what it is you’re supposed to be learning from them.





Equally he is keen on reading foreign literature, but the sort of books that sometimes drop out of his pockets tell you more than you really want to know about his interests .





In fact, his pockets are a constant source of wonder. You have met his secretary and she seemed a nice enough girl,






but the photograph of her he was using as a bookmark tells you there must be more to her than meets the eye.




At least he’s always kind to her and regularly taking her off for weekends to Paris and Amsterdam!


Your wicked uncle talks of his London clubs dropping hints of the Athenaeum and the Garrick but the only club know for sure he goes to is in Soho, and you’d rather not think too much about what happens there.






It’s not difficult to work out that your uncle is nothing like as old as he sometimes makes out, but he talks about his young days as if they were spent in another world entirely, his eyes misting over when he talks fondly of French maids and strange happenings in his father’s office.








He moves unapologetically from one mistress to another, all of them seeming to live a strange alternative existence,






and what goes on between him and them you don’t know, but he drops enough hints that you have some reasonable idea.




Despite living a clearly disreputable life and forever getting into scrapes he has strong views about how young girls should behave. When you tell him about some of the things that your friends get up to he tells you in quite unnecessary detail how given half a chance he would put them one by one across his knee and thoroughly spank them. He takes a moment to think about this, his eyes moist and glowing, and then makes a point of emphasising that of course he would be obliged to pull their knickers down first.






Most of your friends have met his and think he is an absolute sweetie and when you tell them just how keen he is to give them all a good spanking you’re not too happy to find that they are all in favour of paying him a visit so he can do that very thing.





Naturally he loves nothing more than a good party and is full of ideas for games the young people can play with a lot of help from him.





but when he describes the forfeits to be paid by the losers he can’t understand why the hostess asks him to leave and not come back.





What he can never understand is why these days people don’t lighten up a bit and simply have fun whenever thy can, and in many ways that sums up exactly what your wicked uncle is all about. Whatever it is he’s up to he’s having fun, and let’s face it that can’t be such a bad thing. Maybe we should all learn to cultivate the wicked uncle lurking inside us all